Sorry for the long hiatus.
I've been busy moving houses, and though I've been comfortably moved in for about a month now, I only just got my internet connection working.
Your might be wondering why so long? (Or not. I'm going to tell you anyway!)
Well actually I'm not going to go into the boring specifics of it. I'm just going to summarize it as being my beloved boyfriend's fault.
I love him to death, but if the average human being really does use only 10% of their brains, then my darling uses 9% for his music and spreads the other 1% really thin for the boring logistics of daily living.
I won't deny that it can at times be extremely frustrating, but over the course of our relationship I've realized that the things I love most about him aren't just the 'good' things, but also the little random eccentricities and quirks that he has both as my partner and a person.
This got me thinking about how we love in a relationship.
Too often I hear my friends complaining about the things their partner have done/did not do/keeps on doing/will never do, and while I am of course not exempt from this, I do wonder: At what point should we stop complaining and start accepting, or realize it's time to walk away.
Here are a few ways I choose to love.
1. If you love someone, love them at their worst
I don't know if this applies for anyone else. I might be a bit of a weirdo, but I find that the more I adore someone, the more I like their funny bits. Like the soft downy hairs on the small of their back, or that soft little mound of belly fat that seems eternally resistant to the gym– all of the things I would probably have found unattractive had I not known them.
(This of course applies to more than just the physical. I use hairy bits and chubby parts as an example so as to spare you the emotional nitty gritty of all my failed relationships bar the one that seems to be working out just fine)
Everyone has their own demons, their little insecurities and highly annoying habits/ personality traits, and not so attractive bits so if the people who say they love us won't love us just the way we are, then who will?
On that same note..
2. Loving without Fixer-Upping
A lot of people have this idea of what their ideal partners are like, for instance: Soft-spoken, nurturing, considerate, gentle, etc. etc.
They start relationships with their objective judgement clouded by the veil of infatuation, and then realize after a couple of months that instead they've landed themselves with a loud-mouthed, sharp-witted, outgoing wild child who they love, but does not fit in with the aforementioned ideal.
And that's when the fixer-upping starts. Don't talk like that. Don't dress like that. Don't be friends with them. Don't do this. Don't do that.
Don't get me wrong. I'm all for healthy, constructive criticism and bettering myself within the paradigm of a loving relationship, but I think that we should all be wary of the true motivation for this demand for change (And when I say 'we' it means both the person who wants change in their partner and the person who has to keep up with the demands)
The best way to determine whether you've landed yourself in a fixer-upper relationship, is to ask yourself. Would your momma ever tell you not to (insert fixer-upper request)? Would you ever tell your friend to change (insert request)?
If not, then maybe this person that you are with isn't the one for you. Stop trying to mold that beautiful soul into your ideal, just let them go.
3. If you love someone, love yourself more
No good can come out of a relationship that is birthed from the seeds of loneliness and need. A relationship should be a union between two people to respect, cherish and enjoy each other as individuals. Too often though a relationship ends up becoming a co-dependency, a possession of an individual, and a breeding ground for insecurities.
I've heard people declare their complete and utter devotion, their love without reservations, and perhaps life has had me rearrange my girlish notions of romance a few times over, but I disagree with that.
Love is not meant to hurt, punish, shame or belittle. Yet far too many women are willing to overlook that because of love. No, rather we should declare more often that we love ourselves with complete and utter devotion. I believe that when we love ourselves enough to know when to turn and walk away, is when we are truly ready to love someone else without reservations.
I leave you with this beautiful song by my main man Gil Scott-Heron.